What have I done !? || Bucky x reader one shot

November 22, 2017 ~ paperpandawriting ~ Leave a comment

Words: 1133

Warnings: major character’s death,
slight cursing, a lot of sadness & angst

SUMMARY: Bucky’s still in a shock
after a misadventure, as a result of which Captain America has died. Reader’s
trying to comfort him, even when the fault is on Bucky’s side…

Author: Rouge

A/N: story has
been written for the writing challenge made by @letsimagineitall

It was painful to see
him like this. All you could do was embrace him and let the torrent of his
tears to soak through your shirt. You could feel him clench his fists, not
knowing whether to be mad or to give up hope all together. You could hear him
silently screaming, suffocating with each breath he took holding onto his
pride. You ran your fingers through his hair, time and time again, in an attempt
to calm the silent war within his mind.

“Everything’s gonna be alright, Buck.”
You slowly stroked his muscular shoulder trying to comfort him as much as it
was possible.

“Go away,
Y/N!”
Bucky pushed your hand away aa he rose from the couch and went apace to the
huge window with a view on the city below.
He leant his metal forearm against the glass and let out a loud sigh wiping his
tears off.

You hesitated. You weren’t sure how will he react, when you will try to get
close to him again. You good knew he was a ball of anger now.
But you found a courage and slowly rose from the couch. You headed towards him.

“Don’t, Y/N.”
It sounded like an order, so you stopped immediately.

“Bucky.. Darling…”

“Shut your fucking mouth, Y/N!”
Bucky yelled loudly and went out of the room.

Instinctively, you’ve followed him.

He slammed into the bathroom door. Bucky didn’t care if you saw. He just broke
down. The sobs punched through, ripping through his muscles, bones, and guts.
Man pressed his forehead against the grimy stall door and began to let his
heart yank in and out of his chest.
His life crumbled in his fingertips.

You weren’t scared at that point. You knew you have to do everything. To calm
him down.

“Bucky” you mumbled quietly as you approached him. Your hand was
placed on his nape where you stroked him. “Calm. Down. And talk with
me.”

You were kinda surprised, when he didn’t pull away from you.
And when he sank onto his knees, you did same, embracing his shoulders.

He sobbed into your chest unceasingly, hands clutching at your shirt. You held
him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked your chest. A tiny lapse
let him pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before he collapsed again,
his howls of misery worsening. The pain must have come in waves, minutes of
sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, before hurling him
back into the outstretched arms of his grief.

“Hush, Buck… It wasn’t your fault, darling” you said in the most
mild tone you could ever make.

“I wanna disappear” he whispered quietly as he breathed heavily.
“You should be pretending you don’t know me. You should stay away from me.
I’m dangerous. It would be better if you would just erase me from your life,
Y/N..”

“I can’t just forget you. That’s not how it works” you told him
unhesitatingly.

He closed his eyes, his head has rested on your laps.

As you were stroking his nape, you let your thoughts flow at ease.

Two days before was the saddest day ever.
Bucky has killed Captain America.
It was nothing more but a misadventure.
Both men were on the mission to Serbia. There, they branch has been attacked by
enemies. They were taken by surprise.
Bucky managed to escape from under the firing. Of course, he was trying to come
back for Steve. He found his pal, when Captain was attacked by heavily armed
enemy soldier.
Trying to help his friend, Bucky took the aim and shot. He was aiming to the
foe.
But the other one was much faster. Guy pulled Captain ahead, using him as a
shield.
The bullet went straight through Captain’s chest, piercing his aorta.
The second man disappeared, when the chaos has reigned.
Bucky, being in panic and shock, was about to do something to save his friend.
But it was too late…

“B.. Buck…”

“Hush.. Oh God, hush, Steve. You need to stay
conscious. Do you hear me? Focus. Natasha!!
For fuck’s sake! Quickly!”

Steve choked
with his own blood.

“Oh God! Steve! STEVE! Motherfucker, don’t ya
dare to close those eyes!”

Steve reached
hand placing it in Bucky’s metal arm.

“Don’t…. D… Blame.. Yourself..”

“Shut up, pal. You need to stay calm.
Everything’s gonna be alright!”

Steve closed
his eyes.

Bucky pressed
the wound on his friend’s chest with his bionic hand.

“No! No! No! Rogers, you old prick, don’t do
this to me!! Natasha!!! You fucking
bitch, move your fucking ass up here! Steve’s dying!”

“Buck.. Cold.”

Huge tears
rolled over Bucky’s cheeks.

“Steve. I beg you. Stay with me. You have to
stay with me, brother. I won’t make this without you! We’re brothers under the
Sun.. Remember?”

“Mmmmhmm… Ah.. ..It’s burning..”

Captain’s
voice was nothing but a quiet whisper, although his lips seemed to not move at
all.

“Hush, Steve, I’m with you, pal.. Oh God, what
I’ve done..”

“…mmmmm.. I’ve… Accepted it.. Don’t…. Buck… It…
Feels… Like…….. Mmm.. Home..”

“Steve?! Dear God!! Steven!?”

Captain’s
chest stopped to move.

“I won’t forget you…” Bucky, trembling all over his body,
reached with his metal fingers to Steve’s eyes and he slowly closed them down. “You’ll never be replaced…
Forgive me..”

Captain America has passed away in Bucky’s arms.

“I’m a monster. How can you even look at me?” his voice has broke
down. “I’m a fucking murderer. It will be better if you will forget me.
Forget us.”

“I won’t.”
This time you hissed angrily.
“You know I love you. No matter what. We are a couple. I’ll be with you
for good and for bad.”

He nuzzled to your knees.
“Look. Imma mess. I’ve let all those people down.. I’ve let myself down.
I’ve killed Captain. I’ve killed my friend.. I’ve murdered him…”

You wanted to slap him in the face. He was pissing you out with blaming
himself. It was an accident. And everyone knew it.

“I will never leave your side. We’re in this together.”

As you touched his yet wet cheek, he shivered under your touch.

“Will.. You won’t leave?” he raised his chin to look you in the eye.

“Never. And I won’t forget you. You’re the best thing in my life.”

He nodded.

You woke up in the middle of the night after a terrifying nightmare.
Instinctively and blindly, you touched the second part of your bed.

You let out a sigh of relief, when your hand rested on his bionic limb.
He was there. He didn’t run away.
It was a sign. That he was trusting you. That was the most important.
You knew a hard time was about to come.
But you were prepared. Not only for yourself.

Mostly for him.

I Always End Up Calling You || Frank Castle x reader Smut one shot

November 18, 2017 ~ paperpandawriting ~ Leave a comment

Writing Challenge

Hello! This is my another story written for Letsimagineitall’s Fall Writing Challenge (created by @letsimagineitall)

I tried my best and I hope you all will like the story. Enjoy!

Words: 2098

Warnings: smut, swearing, light abuse

SUMMARY: Reader has another sleepless night. She decides to call the only person she can count on. Frank Castle

Author: Cass

It was one of those nights, where you weren’t blessed by a
calm sleep.

Another whimper and another shiver have pulled you up from
inertness.

“Oh God…” you swiped your forehead from a cold
sweat and instinctively you reached for your phone. You dialed the number
blindly and you put phone to your ear.

When someone on the other side has picked up, you let out a
deep sigh. “How come I always end up calling you, when I can’t fall
asleep?”

“Don’t ask me, angel. What’s wrong, Y/N? Nightmares or
something’s happened?” Man muttered. “Y/N. Sorry, but I am… kinda
busy here.”

Frank muttered, holding his gun right to some man’s head.
Other guy was currently pinned to the ground by Frank’s heavy combat boot.

“Nightmares.”
Your voice has broke down and you started to cry. “I know.. I know, but…
Frank? Can you come? Please. I need you here.”

You good knew it’s fourth time in last two weeks, when
you’re bothering him with your own demons, but there was nothing else for you
to do.

Frank let out a deep sigh.
“Okay, just… you need to wait a bit. Try to calm down.”

When he hung up, other man smiled. “What… Have you
found someone for yourself? We will find her too.”

Frank only laughed shortly and shook his head. “Shut
the fuck up. She is just a friend and you won’t find anyone with bullet in your
head.” With those words he simply shot the man. He did the same with man
on a ground.

After that, he quickly left and went into the direction of
your flat.

“Okay. I will wait..” you whispered quietly, then
you put your phone down on the bedside table.

You knew you won’t be
able to fall asleep anymore, so you got up from bed and went downstairs to the
kitchen. You made yourself a cup of cappuccino and you took a seat at the
table, waiting at Frank.

Frank muttered something to himself, when he was on his way.

He good knew, what nightmares meant. He had those every
night and every time, when he was closing his eyes.

After few minutes, man reached your door.

He banged to them few times.
“Y/N, it’s me, open up.”
Frank said in his deep voice, waiting at door.

As you heard knocking, you jumped off the chair and wrapped
your lacy nightgown around you tightly.

You walked to the door, opening them.
“Frank!” you didn’t wait, you just wrapped arms around man’s neck and
you simply fell into his strong arms.

“Hey…”
He caught you into his arms.
Frank gently stroked your hair, hugging you. “Come on…. let’s get you to
bed. It’s late.” After those words, Frank simply picked you up.

He closed the door behind him and holding you tight in his
arms, man went to your bedroom.

While he was walking with you in his arms, you nuzzled your
head to his neck. “I knew you will come. You are so good to me.”

His strong arms had given you kind of a peace. You felt
secured. Like you’d belong here..

“There you go. Now… you should try to sleep. You are
not alone anymore.” Frank explained and slowly left bedroom.

He walked to your living room and flopped on a couch,
letting out a loud sigh.

But you still weren’t able to sleep so you got up and
rubbing your shoulders, you went downstairs to look for Frank.

Frank was sitting on couch, but suddenly he got up from his
seat and kicked a coffee table, growling loudly. Table, which was made from
glass, smashed against the wall, falling into thousands pieces.

Hearing the loud noise in the living room, you rushed there
immediately.

“Frank! Oh God, what has happened?!” you stopped
into a threshold, covering your mouth with shivering palm.

“Not your fucking business, Y/N!”
He yelled, looking at you with anger in his eyes.
“Get the fuck out of here to your room before you will get hurt and it’s
not a warning… It’s an order.”

“Frank… But…”
You took a little, shy step into the room.
“Let’s take a sit and talk.. What has happened? I am here for you.. Calm
down…”

He walked to you and grabbed your shoulder really tight.
“I said something! Most of the time I am here for you! Go to your room,
now!” He screamed at you, pushing you away.

You’ve lost balance and you simply fell onto floor, hitting
back of your head against a corner of the couch.

You couldn’t help. You started to cry loudly, choking with
tears.

Frank looked at you and took a deep breath.

He did this again… He was taking care of you since few
months now… And you were a witness and victim of his outburst.
Again.
It shouldn’t be like that. You let him
live here, when he was doing such a brutal and bad stuff.

Frank realized, what he had done and man slowly walked to
you. He got onto his knees.
“Y/N… I am sorry.”

At first, you’ve tried to push man away. But shortly after
you trembled and reached your hands to him, wrapping them around his waist.

“It’s okay.. You gotta fight with it..” you
whispered, slowly pulling closer to him. “You know, that I’m always by
your side.”

You slip head under his shoulder and hugged to Frank tight.

He hugged you back really tight.

“I’m so sorry… I… I shouldn’t.”
Frank whispered and nuzzled to your shoulder, moving his hand into your hair.
“Forgive me… please..”

“I had forgiven you long time ago.”

You raised your chin to look into his eyes.

“I know, who are you. I know what are you doing. I am
not condemning you. Not at all. You have always been so important to me.. So
are you also now…”

You leant up and you pressed your soft lips to his rough
ones.

Frank blinked suprised, but he kissed you back.

“You shouldn’t…” He whispered and gently stroked
your hair. “Let me… Let me take you back to bedroom… I… Your head…
I hope I didn’t hurt you..” Frank looked at you.

You slowly rose from the ground and rubbed the back of your
head. “It’s been a long evening. We both need some proper rest.”

He nodded, watching you.

Frank got up from the floor also and grabbed you by your
waist. He picked you up and walked with you back to your bedroom.

In your room, you took off your nightgown and you put it
onto the chair next to your wardrobe. “If you don’t mind.. You.. You can
stay here tonight, Frank.”

He smiled softly and nodded. “Not couch tonight, this
is a nice change. You don’t mind if I will… Right?” Frank asked before
he took off his t-shirt.

You simply shook your head, trying not to stare at his bare,
muscular chest for too long.
You quickly took your place in the bed, putting head on the pillow.

Frank took off his pants and slowly joined you in the bed.
He wrapped his big arm around your waist and nuzzled to your nape

A cold shiver ran down your spine and you knew he felt, how
you’ve reacted at his touch.

You placed your palm at his forearm.
“What have you been doing at the evening, before you came here?”

Frank gently touched your belly.
“You don’t really wanna know.”
He whispered and his rough lips touched your shoulder.
Man pulled you closer to his chest.

You purred quietly,
feeling how sensation was building up in your abdomen.

You turned your head a bit towards him. “I wanna know. C’mon.
I’m a big girl. I’ll take it.”

“You’re stubborn, aren’t you?” Frank sighed and
kissed your neck gently before he raised his head to look at you. “I
killed two motherfuckers.” He said simply. “I shot both in the head
right after your call.”

You were looking him into the eyes without a blink.
“I wouldn’t be able to kill..” you turned at your back, still looking
at him. “You’re so brave. It can be taken as inappropriate, but I do know
you have to do such things..”

You put hand onto his sharp jawline, pulling him into a
kiss.

“I was a soldier… Killing is normal for me.” He
had been explaining before man kissed you back. Frank wrapped both arms around
you and deepened the kiss, growling softly.

It’s been a while, since you had someone in your bed.
Of course, you and Frank were friends with benefits, but you both had sex very
seldom.
But this night you’ve wanted intimacy like never before.

You just pushed him back onto the mattress and you slowly
straddled him.
“You were working too hard lately. How much of associations have you made
in last two weeks, huh?” you put hands on his chest

“Please… Let’s not talk about such a stuff
here.”
He said and put his large hands on you hips, looking straight into your eyes.
It wasn’t easy for him, but he needed this. This closeness and intimacy.

Frank grabbed your nape and pulled you into a rough, strong
kiss.

You leant down and let him kiss you. You were running your
fingertips along his muscular shoulders, gently grinding against his virility.

rank moved his hands to your butt and gently moved his hips,
groaning softly.
Then he pushed you off of him and got on top of you, pinning you down to bed.
“I missed you…” He muttered and attacked your neck.

You opened your neck for him, while your hands traveled to
his back, scratching him. “Me either.”

He growled and bit your neck playfully, bucking his hips
into you.
“I want you…. I need you, so fucking much.”
Frank murmured and started to undress you.

You raised your hips so he could took your panties off.
“Then take what’s yours, soldier” you bite your lower lips, looking
straight at him.
Even through his boxers you could easily feel, how hard he got.

He took off your panties and tossed them on the floor, after
this he took off his boxers, letting out his yet hard cock.

Frank kissed you deeply and without warning pushed hardly
into you.

“Oh, fuck!” you screamed, spreading your legs
wider for him. “Oh God… It feels amazing!” you rolled your head
back.

His thrusts were strong and deep, just like his pace, which
was brutal. Frank was holding you tight, close to his chest.

You scratched his shoulders with your nails.
“Oh, yes, yes, fuck me, Frank! Shit, oh fuck, harder!” you were
screaming and moaning into his arms.

“Shut up.”
He growled and closed your mouth with kiss. Frank started to thrust even
harder, than he wrapped hand around your neck and squeezed it. He only looked
at you.

You rock your hips to meet his thrusts. You wrapped your
legs around his hips, so he could penetrate you deeper.
You licked you lips and then slipped hand between both of you to rub your
clitoris.

“Yea… Yeaaa, oh so good..” you rolled your eyes
back.

Frank squeezed your throat even harder.
“You like it… don’t you, slut?”
He muttered and growled loudly, feeling how he was getting closer to his
climax.

You rubbed your clit faster, nodding slightly.
“I fucking love it, soldier! I love, how nice your cock is stretching my
tight pussy!”
You moaned loudly, feeling, how your walls started to clench around his huge
length.
You reached to your boobs to squeeze them through your shirt.
“Oh shit, don’t stop! Don’t you dare to stop!

His movements became a little bit slower, Frank started to
thrust even deeper.

After few moves, Frank pushed his length as deep as he could
and he cum deep inside you, filling you up completely.

"Fuck, FRANK!”
You yelled his name loudly, biting his neck and leaving a love mark there. Your
nails scratched his back strongly as you cum hardly around his cock.
With legs still wrapped around him, you
were squealing, trying to catch a breath

Frank panted heavily, nuzzling to your neck. “That was
good.”
He said, trying to calm his breath.

He pulled out slowly and laid next to you, then pulled you
into a hug.

Instinctively, you put your head onto his chest, feeling how
you’re going down from your climax.

“Everytime..
Everytime, when I end calling to you, it’s worth it.” You murmured softly.

Frank only laughed and ruffled your hair. “Yep,
it’s always worth it.”

PLEASE, WAKE ME UP.

June 14, 2017 ~ paperpandawriting ~ Leave a comment

WORD COUNT: 1300

SUMMARY:

Tony has a nightmare.

WARNINGS: none

AUTHOR: Killer raccoon

It was the quietest morning there’d been in
months, save the dull croak of the piano and the moaning of the floorboards
beneath the pianists tapping foot.

Tony stood behind the rows of white chairs,
stiff and unmoving, hands clasped tightly behind his back. Across the
quickly filling room, Bucky noticed him and attempted a smile, but immediately
his lips began to quiver and he turned down to look at his feet before Tony could
try to return the gesture.

Bucky, the only one in this room who fully
understood Tony’s presence here, the only man who knew what had been going on
behind closed doors. Because Steve had insisted he know, had told Tony that if
he couldn’t trust Bucky, then what were they even doing?

Tony watched Sam slide in next to Bucky,
place a hand on the man’s shoulder and sit him down, and then Tony was alone
again. Something he hadn’t felt in years.

The more people filed into the room, the
more sullen the mood became. Natasha sat on the other side of Bucky, and Clint
next to her, and Tony’s throat tightened in anguish as even Nick Fury,
accompanied by Phil and Maria, made their way down the rows of chairs. It
didn’t matter if nobody had the time for a full blown ceremony: they made time.

Sam had pulled him aside a few days ago to
assure him that he’d be welcomed with open arms, but Tony had his doubts, and
therefore kept his distance. He was somewhere deep in his own head anyway. He
didn’t even notice Pepper next to him, brows furrowed as she tapped furiously
at her phone, or Rhodey, dressed up in his navy blue suit, hands also clasped
behind his back, but in respect rather than anxiety. Tony knew he should have
been one of the men carrying in the… but of course he chose to stand
next to Tony, and in some lost part of his conscious mind, Tony appreciated
that.

But when the music slowed and died and what
was left of the hushed conversations among the room was cut off, Tony was sure
his heart stopped. He was able to keep himself composed, lips pursed and face
blank, all of his muscles tensed to keep from shaking. However, when the first
two soldiers stepped into the room, shoulders straight and hats in their hands,
and Tony knew what
would be following them, he fucking lost it. His breathing shortened, his head
swayed dizzily, and before he knew it, he was busting through the side door
into the empty hallways, straight towards the wall to keep him right side up.
He pressed his forehead against the cool, brick walls, gasping for air. Luckily
he was in the back, so he hardly disturbed anyone.

But of course, one man had noticed. One man
had dashed out after him, was now placing a hand on Tony’s shoulder, gentle,
but firm.

“Breathe."

Both hands were on him when he wouldn’t calm
down, and he knew that they learned this in the military, he understood, but
with the steadiness of his voice, with the serum, Bucky sounded and felt
too much like Steve, all those restless, summer nights when Tony was kept up
and he had been there for him, and it made everything worse. He couldn’t get
air into his lungs, his eyes spun in and out of focus, and he trembled
violently beneath the other man’s grasp. And who the hell was Tony to Steve, to
be comforted by the dead man’s best
friend. It was absolutely unfair to Bucky, and Tony felt sick with
guilt and selfishness. He turned around, gently pushing Bucky away from him.

"I’m sorry,” He wheezed, and
Bucky was shaking his head like Tony had no reason to apologize, but he
absolutely did.

Within the next few seconds, Rhodey was in
the halls, pushing Bucky to the side to get to Tony.

“Thank you, Buck, but I can handle
this.” He said.

“I don’t think you understand”
Bucky protested.

“The hell, I don’t understand.”
Rhodey snapped. “I know Tony better than he knows himself. I’m not stupid,
and I’m not blind.” He looked up to Bucky then, and his face softened
apologetically.

“Please, you are the last person who
should have to do this. Go pay your respects to Steve. I’ll take care of
him.” He said. Bucky nodded silently and turned to leave.

By then, Tony was catching his breath,
letting a warmth flood through him and calm his nerves, though his hands still
shook hard.

“You knew?” He asked quietly, and
Rhodey, despite everything else, managed a smile.

“You thought you could keep a secret
like that from me? I mean, honestly, Tony."

Tony huffed, just then realizing how
foolish it was to actually believe that he had kept the relationship between he
and Steve from Rhodey.

"He’s gone,” he breathed
suddenly, clasping a hand over his mouth in awe at what had just escaped, a
electric shock shooting through him as the words rang true, and then Rhodey was
pulling him into a hug, burying Tony’s face into his shoulder. Tony clenched
his teeth, refusing to cry, but breathed heavily through his nose, gasps
shuddering through his body as he held it all in, and Rhodey became the only
thing holding Tony in one piece.

Steve was gone okay, and did Tony ever
fully appreciate when he was around? Did he take the time to let him know that?
Looking back, he knew it had always been a frantic, desperate rush of fumbling
fingers and clothes strewn across the floor. Tony always thought they’d have
time to take their time.

Did he even ever tell Steve that he loved
him? That he was doubtlessly, unconditionally in love with him?

Did he even know at the time?

Tony shut his eyes tight, held on to Rhodey
tighter in horror as his knees buckles. He could feel his heart wasn’t going to
hold together, could feel the world around him crumbling, and when he managed
to open his eyes…

There was darkness. Tony blinked once,
twice, realized he was on his back. His hair, shirt, and the mattress beneath
him were all soaked in sweat. Tony shot up, the force causing an immediate
headache, and searched the room as his eyes adjusted to the dark. His heart was
pounding hard in his chest, fear in his throat as he chanced a glace at the
weight he felt against his hip. He sucked in a breath.

“Steve?” He croaked. There was a
small, groggy yawn and then two large, muscled arms that peaked through the
covers, revealing a half asleep, but definite Steve Rogers as he stretched,
shifted to turn around, and put an arm around Tony’s waste, pulling him back
down and against his own body heat. Tony’s sigh of relief came out as a choked
sob, and he pressed his nose into Steve’s chest in an attempt to muffle his
sudden sounds. However, that startled Steve completely out of sleep.

“Tony? He tried to sit up, pulling
Tony away from him and brushing his damp hair out of his face. "Tony, are
you okay?” He was pouting at him as Tony quickly regained control of his
emotions.

“No, I’m not okay. I love
you."

Steve stared at him, confused in his half
dream state, cheeks flushed with the heat of the summer night, hair sticking up
in a way that warmed Tony’s heart.

And then he was kissing him, the slowest
kiss they’d ever had, and Steve kissed his cheek, his jaw, his neck, his
shoulder. Tony felt dizzy as Steve took his hand and pressed his lips gently to
his wrist, the palm of his hand.

"I love you too."

THE SILENT SHOUT || PART I

April 23, 2017 ~ paperpandawriting ~ Leave a comment

A/N: my
best friend has been diagnosed as borderline. Currently I have an occasion to
spend a lot of time with him, I am also a witness of his anxiety and panic
attacks, of his rage outbursts and incertitude, which is overhelming him on and
on. Looking at him one day a thought came up to my mind: if BPD can be caused
by some traumatic experiences, maybe Bucky was suffering to similar symptoms
also. After all things Hydra had done to him, I suppose he might likely suffered
from this disorder. That’s why I decided to make a little series of bpd!Bucky. The story, all names, characters, and incidents
portrayed in this production are fictitious. Based on a true events.

Words: 1624

Warnings:
self harming, panic attack, bpd, angst, bpd!Bucky, sad!Bucky, depression,
blood, graphic description of violence, swearing

Author: Rouge

It has been a week since he moved to your house.

From the very beginning you were more worried than
happy about that idea of Steve. Despite your positive attitude towards Bucky,
you good knew he may cause a lot of problems.

But on the other hand you understood what Steve has
been going through for last couple of years. Notorious uncertainty, sadness,
sorrow. He was a mess and you wanted to do anything to comfort him.

When you heard that Shield finally found Bucky, alive,
you felt a deep relief. It meant the end of Steve’s mental pain. It meant that
since then everything could have been seen only in a bright colors.

When Steve came to you with his idea of taking Bucky
to your common house, you didn’t even try to hide your dissatisfaction. A lot
of arguments had taken place then in between two of you. But finally Steve
managed to melt your heart and you said yes.

However, keeping the good of your child in your mind,
you ensured Steve that if something wrong will about to happen, you will move
out, taking baby with you. He agreed on that little deal without blinking.

You had to reconcile with a fact your man was sharing
his love at three, not only at two… It obviously was hurting you, sometimes
Bucky seemed to be Steve’s number one, but you had to accept it. They were
friends since childhood, they grew up together, they were fighting together,
arm to arm. In such situation you could do nothing. You didn’t want to hurt
Steve by your listlessness at Bucky’s problems. You knew that man went through
a lot in his life. Like Steve, Bucky Barnes was only a pawn in that brutal
game. Like everyone of you…

When you met him for the first time since 5 years, you
were shocked.

He looked incredibly good, some bruises still could
have been seen at his muscular arm and neck, few scars on his collarbones, a
swollen jaw. But he looked good as for someone who has been tortured for
months.

But something had changed and you easily felt that.

His eyes.

There were no more happiness in them. That beautiful
blue eyes of his, which were glowing with a mischief sparks formerly, now were
dark and bereft the will of life.

“Y/N! Can you hold the door please!?” Steve screamed
aloud.

You got up from the leather sofa in living room and
quickly went to open the door. As soon as you did, you saw several boxes and a
bit of Steve’s bangs above them.

“Do you need help?” you asked amicably, opening doors
as wide as you could.

“No, dear, just hold on them” Steve said. Slowly and
carefully he passed through the threshold and put boxes down in the hallway.

You were observing him for a while, then you sight
fell on someone standing in front of the door.

James Bucky Barnes.

Standing there dressed in a large black leather
jacket, dark jeans and grey shirt, with a black hat on his head, Bucky slowly
raised his chin and looked briefly into your eyes.

“Hi, Y/N” he gave you a small smile, a little wince
appeared on his face.

“Bucky” you smiled happily, whispering his name and
taking step back to make a space for him. “Come in, come in.”

Hesitantly he walked inside and then you closed the
door behind him making sure they were locked.

“Follow me” you gave him another smile and you led him
to the large living room.

It was the biggest room in Steve’s house. One wall had
windows and door leading to a big balcony. The room was painted in light orange
mixed with lime. The floorboards were made of pear tree wood that had a nice,
warm shade. There was a brownish carpet with an abstractive pattern in the
middle of the room. Steve had fitted your common living room with stylish furniture.
There was a big dark brown leather corner sofa on the left. It had light brow cushions.
In front of it, there was an ebony coffee table with sculptured legs and edges.
There also were two brown armchairs. The table were placed on the carpet. Next
to the sofa, there was a tall lamp which metal parts were coloured patina gold.
Opposite to the sofa there was a big plasma TV standing on a stand similar to
the coffee table. Below the TV there was a black DVD player. Right to it, an
ebony case with clouded glass doors could be found. There also was a small
showcase where you put some books, films and wine glasses. Above the sofa there
was a wide painting showing a stunning sunset on a seaside. The windows were
decorated with a short white delicate curtain and fantasy yellow drape. On the
windowsill, there standed a flowerpot with an orchid. Next to it there was a
picture frame with a photo made on your vacation in Dubai. The room was really warm and cosy.

“Do you want to drink something?” you asked politely
when Bucky sat on the sofa.
“Coffee, please…” he looked at you and took his hat off, placing it next to
him.

You walked to the kitchen and put a kettle on a stove.
Suddenly you felt a pair of familiar strong hands at your slim waist.

“Thank you…” Steve whispered directly into your ear,
leaning down to kiss your cheek from behind. “It means a lot not only to me,
Y/N.”
“I know, Steve” you gave a slight nod and slowly turned your head towards him
so you could reach his rough lips and kissed them.

Steve hummed happily at the unexpected kiss, his grasp
got tighten around your waist.

With an agile movement you slipped out of his arms,
pecking his lips.

“He is my friend too, Steve” you said, pouring a
boiling water to the cup with black coffee. “It was obvious I’ll say yes in a respond to your idea” you
shrugged slightly. “I was and am still worried about Sebastian, our child.” you
lifted your chin and sadly glanced at Steve.

He rubbed his chin.

“I know… But he is working on those… Outbursts..” Captain sighed deeply. “Okay. I will move boxes
to his room. They are still blocking the passage through the corridor” he let
out a quiet giggle before he left kitchen.

You took a cup of coffee and came back to the living
room.

“Here you go” you put the cup on the table, smiling at
Bucky and taking a seat in one of the armchairs. “So… How are you, Buck? You
look magnificent” you smirked warmly, crossing your legs.

“I’m doing good lately” he took a sip of coffee,
humming in an approval of the bitter taste. “You’re a real coffee master, Y/N.”

You laughed shortly.

“Oh, thank you! Charming as always, Buck!” you winked
at him.

He woke up in the middle of the night.

For a while he was laying motionless on his back,
glaring up at ceiling.

Then he slowly got up. When he was walking towards
bathroom, he could feel a chill at his bare legs and torso. He had only his
black boxers on.

He entered the bathroom and carefully closed the door
behind him, trying not to make any sounds which could woke you and Steve up.

Bucky
stared at the scars lining his right wrist, observing it as if from a great
distance. Other days he would count them and their meanings, one for every time
they’d hurt him. Every time he hated
himself for lying to people he loved. But it was so easy, too easy for him to
promise them that he had taken the antidepressants.
And now, feeling the scars beneath his fingers, Bucky could picture it so
vividly that he could feel each sharp intake of breath, each tear that slid
from his pale skin. As the bathtub faucet ran cold water over his neck and the
blade glowed crimson beneath his clumsy fingers, his head would tilt back, his
mouth open in silent agony but also perverse joy, because he knew that he
should not be feeling this, doing this, enjoying this as he did. And his anger
exploded with each swift movement of the razor, his pain that so often
destroyed him coating the floor of the tub in sickening contrast to the pale
tile.
He remembered kneeling on this same floor, attacking his biceps until he could
take it no longer and fell back, exhausted, against the bathroom cabinet. It
was few weeks ago, when Steve agreed to doss him when he escaped the hospital
run by Shield.
The urge was so strong that he clenched his fists to keep from reaching for the
blade. It was so tempting. So painfully tempting. Bucky thought desperately of
his wrist again, aching to feel sadness for the delicate skin that he so
readily destroyed. He forced his fingers to stay on the shining tiles, but so
eager was he for the pain.. And he cut the skin once again, observing like a
little stream of redness was pouring down, mixing with a cold water at his
feet. He felt like his skin was burning under the touch of a cold razor, he
felt a bit dizzy because of the blood which was flowing out of the cut.
Bucky chuckled nervously, but it turned into breathless weeping.
He stayed here as long as he had to, until the urge was gone. Because he had to
fight this and he knew that. Because of the five words he kept repeating in his
mind, kept vowing, swearing to himself.

I won’t draw blood tonight.