Little letters

June 22, 2017 ~ paperpandawriting ~ Leave a comment

WORD COUNT: 1680

SUMMARY: Some letters Tony and Steve exchanged between each
other.

WARNINGS: none

AUTHOR: Killer raccoon

Capcicle:

This phone is embarrassing. I’m
embarrassed to have it anywhere near my person. Pretty sure you must have
recovered it from an archeological dig of a Neanderthal cave. Which would be
fitting for you, them being your people and all. Still pissed by the way,
haven’t reached that ‘understanding’ yet.

Unsincerely,

T.S.

Dear Tony,

I know. Both about the phone and the
understanding. I must admit that I did get slightly amused imagining your
reaction to it. The phone that is, not the other thing. I think it portent that
older phones don’t have tracking chips in them, and they aren’t being monitored
by the NSA. Kind of thinking that says something about modern society and not
really in a good way. Trading privacy for security. It’s devastating. As for
the other thing… I know you’re upset. You have reason to be. I get that, I do.
I should have told you about your parents. I wish I could go back in time and
do things different. But I can’t. So the only thing I can do is to repeat that I
am sorry.

As for the ever so subtle dig, how did the
party-line go? Fire bad, tree pretty? Or, you know, ooga-booga. Or whatever it
is that Neanderthals like me say.

Yours most sincerely,

Steve

Spangles,

I have been ‘tracking’ you since they
found you on the ice. Trust me sweetums, the NSA is the least of your worries.
Also, did you just crack a joke at me? And used pop culture at that? I am
shocked. Shocked I tell you! Kindly cease destroying my world view, I’m
too busy being livid at you to be amused (at how bad you are at it). Thank you.

Also, why? And don’t give me that
‘protecting me, protecting you’ bullshit. Details. All of it.

T.S.

P.S. Paper letters are so undignified.

Dear Tony,

Not sure how to react to the tracking
thing or how to take it. In a weird way it’s good to know? I don’t know. When I
first came off the ice I would have done anything to get back in it. The grief
of losing Bucky was still fresh, and on top of that everyone I had ever known
was either dead or only experienced occasional moments of lucidity, like Peggy.
I didn’t recognize anyone, or anything and when I went down, I was a soldier. I
slept on the ground, for the most part. The Commandos and I used to take shifts
so no one would creep up on us in the middle of the night and capture or kill
us. I still heard the ring of gunfire and bombs going off in my head. To go
from that back to civilian life and not just civilian life but civilian life in
a completely unrecognizable world… I wasn’t in a good place.

I sat outside your tower once, at a little
cafe near the tower, hoping to get a glimpse of you. I don’t know what I would
have said or done if that had happened. But SHIELD gave me a file on you and I
knew that you were Iron Man, so I thought maybe if anyone would understand what
it was like to wake-up in this strange world that sort of turned you into this
impossible legend while you slept it would be you, being a legend yourself.
There are days when I still wonder how the Captain America thing became so
rampart. Trading cards?! But after we met I didn’t think you liked me much, so
it’s strangely touching to hear that you tracked me, as messed up as that
probably sounds. I mean, I know that our first meeting was under the worst
possible conditions. We were stressed, I was so lost, and we had Loki’s scepter
bringing out the absolute worst in both of us, but I always got the feeling
that I annoyed you a bit.That my old fashioned ways, my ethics, my confusion…
I just always felt that it kind of rubbed you the wrong way, even after we
became friends and teammates.

At least I know why now. Howard. Would you
believe me if I told that I was surprised to find out that Howard spoke so
fondly of me to you? Don’t get me wrong, I admired Howard a lot. He was
brilliant, he was funny and very charming. Not nearly as charming as you, of
course, but he did have it. And I will always be forever grateful for what he
did for me, flying me into enemy territory so that I could save the 107th.
Without Howard there would be no Howling Commandos. But the truth of the matter
is that while Howard was generous and brilliant, he sort of talked to me like I
was a kid, you know? He didn’t act like he was all that impressed by me the
entire time we knew each other.

I regret how he died. And your mother. I
do grieve for them and for what happened. You want answers and I’ll try my best
to give them to you but in all honesty I’m not sure I understand it entirely
myself. First and foremost I feared for Bucky. You have to understand, Bucky
and my Mom were all I had as a kid. I was sick, and weak, and picked on like
you wouldn’t believe. Bucky always stood up for me, protected me. Without him
my childhood would have been a completely different story and I probably
wouldn’t have made it out of it. And when my mom died he was there for me
again. I actually crashed on his couch for months afterwards. No one knew Bucky
like I did, and no one left alive but me had seen him at his best, so full of
life.

He is a good man, he didn’t deserve what
happened to him. And it’s my fault – what happened to Bucky – it was all my
fault. I recruited him into the Howling Commandos even though he could have
left the army. He had been captured and tortured by Zola, the army was ready to
release him. But he followed me back into war because I asked. He was so loyal.
So honorable. Maybe too loyal and honorable. I was concerned that because there
was no one but me left who had known Bucky pre-Hydra programming, that no one
but me would believe him redeemable. And so I wanted to protect him and I
thought that if I told you about your parents that you would be just one more
person gunning for him. I mean, even Sam had his doubts that Bucky was still
Bucky deep down and Sam is a former soldier, a VA counselor and a good friend.
If Sam didn’t fully believe Bucky could be reached, what hope did I have that
you would?

Still though, I realize that whether you
would have reacted poorly or not, and whether you would have become just one
more person I’d have to race to get to Bucky first, I shouldn’t have kept
Hydra’s involvement in your parent’s’ death from you. You had a right to know,
a right that didn’t supercede my drive to save my best friend, and I was wrong
to keep it from you.

This letter is long. Longer than I
intended. But you asked for answers and I hope I gave them to you.

Sincerely,

Steve

P.S. I don’t know, call me old-fashioned (you
do anyway) but I like paper letters. They just seem more… personable. Besides
not only are email accounts trackable, but they’re also annoying. No matter how
many firewalls you put on my accounts, I’m still getting emails from some guy
in Nigeria
who is most eager to inform me that I’ve magically inherited millions of
dollars.

Stars and Stripes,

Of course I am more charming than my
father.

Tony

Dear Tony,

Not that I’m complaining here, it’s always
great to hear from you and I know I have no right to ask… but is that really
all you took from my last letter? It’s just you didn’t insult me, my parentage,
or my honor at all in in your response, so I’m concerned.

Love,

Steve

Cap,

I am processing. I need time. I’ll be in touch.

Tony

Steve,

Okay, so I’ve processed. Sort of. It’s
ongoing. James Buchanan Barnes has been cleared of the U.N. bombing in Vienna. Officially. As
such you, Wilson and the others have also been cleared of the aiding and
abetting charge, and a financial donation from yours truly went a long way in
clearing up the property damage charges. I know Barnes is in cryo in Wakanda, I
may be able to help with the de-programming.

Meanwhile I need you to get your
(admittedly fine) ass home. Bring your big boy pants, you and I are going to
have a very long conversation. We’re going to put it all on the table.

Love,

Tony

Dear Tony,

I’m on my way (and by the time you receive
this I’ll probably already be there).

Love,

Steve

Dearest Steven,

Well that conversation, after hours of
deliberation, ended rather smashingly, I thought. And by smash I mean that I
was quite impressed that you managed to break a solid oak, steel bar reinforced
desk while I fucked you on it following said conversation. The Hulk himself
couldn’t have done better. Good job. I told you we would put it all on the
table. No worries, I’ll buy sturdier for next time.

Love Always,

Tony

Dear Tony,

I’m looking forward to it. Now can you
come to bed? I want to snuggle.

With love,

Steve

P.S. In my day we built furniture that lasts
(while we walked uphill to school both ways)… Couldn’t resist. Oh come on, it
was right there!

P.S.S. You’re sending texts in letter form now.
Admit it, you liked the letters.

Steve, dearest,

The sarcasm. I’m almost proud. Almost. And
I admit nothing.
Love,
He who is heading to you right now…

PLEASE, WAKE ME UP.

June 14, 2017 ~ paperpandawriting ~ Leave a comment

WORD COUNT: 1300

SUMMARY:

Tony has a nightmare.

WARNINGS: none

AUTHOR: Killer raccoon

It was the quietest morning there’d been in
months, save the dull croak of the piano and the moaning of the floorboards
beneath the pianists tapping foot.

Tony stood behind the rows of white chairs,
stiff and unmoving, hands clasped tightly behind his back. Across the
quickly filling room, Bucky noticed him and attempted a smile, but immediately
his lips began to quiver and he turned down to look at his feet before Tony could
try to return the gesture.

Bucky, the only one in this room who fully
understood Tony’s presence here, the only man who knew what had been going on
behind closed doors. Because Steve had insisted he know, had told Tony that if
he couldn’t trust Bucky, then what were they even doing?

Tony watched Sam slide in next to Bucky,
place a hand on the man’s shoulder and sit him down, and then Tony was alone
again. Something he hadn’t felt in years.

The more people filed into the room, the
more sullen the mood became. Natasha sat on the other side of Bucky, and Clint
next to her, and Tony’s throat tightened in anguish as even Nick Fury,
accompanied by Phil and Maria, made their way down the rows of chairs. It
didn’t matter if nobody had the time for a full blown ceremony: they made time.

Sam had pulled him aside a few days ago to
assure him that he’d be welcomed with open arms, but Tony had his doubts, and
therefore kept his distance. He was somewhere deep in his own head anyway. He
didn’t even notice Pepper next to him, brows furrowed as she tapped furiously
at her phone, or Rhodey, dressed up in his navy blue suit, hands also clasped
behind his back, but in respect rather than anxiety. Tony knew he should have
been one of the men carrying in the… but of course he chose to stand
next to Tony, and in some lost part of his conscious mind, Tony appreciated
that.

But when the music slowed and died and what
was left of the hushed conversations among the room was cut off, Tony was sure
his heart stopped. He was able to keep himself composed, lips pursed and face
blank, all of his muscles tensed to keep from shaking. However, when the first
two soldiers stepped into the room, shoulders straight and hats in their hands,
and Tony knew what
would be following them, he fucking lost it. His breathing shortened, his head
swayed dizzily, and before he knew it, he was busting through the side door
into the empty hallways, straight towards the wall to keep him right side up.
He pressed his forehead against the cool, brick walls, gasping for air. Luckily
he was in the back, so he hardly disturbed anyone.

But of course, one man had noticed. One man
had dashed out after him, was now placing a hand on Tony’s shoulder, gentle,
but firm.

“Breathe."

Both hands were on him when he wouldn’t calm
down, and he knew that they learned this in the military, he understood, but
with the steadiness of his voice, with the serum, Bucky sounded and felt
too much like Steve, all those restless, summer nights when Tony was kept up
and he had been there for him, and it made everything worse. He couldn’t get
air into his lungs, his eyes spun in and out of focus, and he trembled
violently beneath the other man’s grasp. And who the hell was Tony to Steve, to
be comforted by the dead man’s best
friend. It was absolutely unfair to Bucky, and Tony felt sick with
guilt and selfishness. He turned around, gently pushing Bucky away from him.

"I’m sorry,” He wheezed, and
Bucky was shaking his head like Tony had no reason to apologize, but he
absolutely did.

Within the next few seconds, Rhodey was in
the halls, pushing Bucky to the side to get to Tony.

“Thank you, Buck, but I can handle
this.” He said.

“I don’t think you understand”
Bucky protested.

“The hell, I don’t understand.”
Rhodey snapped. “I know Tony better than he knows himself. I’m not stupid,
and I’m not blind.” He looked up to Bucky then, and his face softened
apologetically.

“Please, you are the last person who
should have to do this. Go pay your respects to Steve. I’ll take care of
him.” He said. Bucky nodded silently and turned to leave.

By then, Tony was catching his breath,
letting a warmth flood through him and calm his nerves, though his hands still
shook hard.

“You knew?” He asked quietly, and
Rhodey, despite everything else, managed a smile.

“You thought you could keep a secret
like that from me? I mean, honestly, Tony."

Tony huffed, just then realizing how
foolish it was to actually believe that he had kept the relationship between he
and Steve from Rhodey.

"He’s gone,” he breathed
suddenly, clasping a hand over his mouth in awe at what had just escaped, a
electric shock shooting through him as the words rang true, and then Rhodey was
pulling him into a hug, burying Tony’s face into his shoulder. Tony clenched
his teeth, refusing to cry, but breathed heavily through his nose, gasps
shuddering through his body as he held it all in, and Rhodey became the only
thing holding Tony in one piece.

Steve was gone okay, and did Tony ever
fully appreciate when he was around? Did he take the time to let him know that?
Looking back, he knew it had always been a frantic, desperate rush of fumbling
fingers and clothes strewn across the floor. Tony always thought they’d have
time to take their time.

Did he even ever tell Steve that he loved
him? That he was doubtlessly, unconditionally in love with him?

Did he even know at the time?

Tony shut his eyes tight, held on to Rhodey
tighter in horror as his knees buckles. He could feel his heart wasn’t going to
hold together, could feel the world around him crumbling, and when he managed
to open his eyes…

There was darkness. Tony blinked once,
twice, realized he was on his back. His hair, shirt, and the mattress beneath
him were all soaked in sweat. Tony shot up, the force causing an immediate
headache, and searched the room as his eyes adjusted to the dark. His heart was
pounding hard in his chest, fear in his throat as he chanced a glace at the
weight he felt against his hip. He sucked in a breath.

“Steve?” He croaked. There was a
small, groggy yawn and then two large, muscled arms that peaked through the
covers, revealing a half asleep, but definite Steve Rogers as he stretched,
shifted to turn around, and put an arm around Tony’s waste, pulling him back
down and against his own body heat. Tony’s sigh of relief came out as a choked
sob, and he pressed his nose into Steve’s chest in an attempt to muffle his
sudden sounds. However, that startled Steve completely out of sleep.

“Tony? He tried to sit up, pulling
Tony away from him and brushing his damp hair out of his face. "Tony, are
you okay?” He was pouting at him as Tony quickly regained control of his
emotions.

“No, I’m not okay. I love
you."

Steve stared at him, confused in his half
dream state, cheeks flushed with the heat of the summer night, hair sticking up
in a way that warmed Tony’s heart.

And then he was kissing him, the slowest
kiss they’d ever had, and Steve kissed his cheek, his jaw, his neck, his
shoulder. Tony felt dizzy as Steve took his hand and pressed his lips gently to
his wrist, the palm of his hand.

"I love you too."

January 17, 2017December 13, 2018 ~ paperpandawriting ~ Leave a comment

Imagine: Steve Rogers finally tells Tony about his feelings toward him

“…so, yea, Steve. I’m fucking serious” Tony was leaning his forearm against a large window, in his office, at one of the highest floors of S.H.I.E.L.D. base.

Steve was still walking around the room, looking for any clues or ideas to end a conflict between him and Mr Stark. Again, they were arguing about Sokovia Protocol.
“You know my statement in the case” Steve finally shrugged, taking a seat on a leather couch and crossing his legs nicely. “I won’t change my mind. You know that Avengers are yet devided by this” his voice sounded more firmly than he was planning to.

Tony growled, turning around to face Steve.
“Liar!” he snorted. “We’re not divided by THIS. We’re divided only by YOUR sick visions, Rogers” Tony briefly ran his fingers through his black hair. “If you wouldn’t start to give them arguments to not do it, all of them would sign it a long time ago!”
Steve only rolled his eyes, looking at the ceiling.
“Shame on you, Stark. Your fucking decision about even give it a chance! It changed everything. If you wouldn’t promise government that you’ll take a look at that, everything will be as it was” Steve slowly was getting frustrated. He was still trying to explain his point of view, but Tony seemed to screw it all.

Stark sighed, clinching hands in fists as he turned with his back to Steve once again that day.
“You think you’re a Mr know-it-all, don’t you, Steve?” the simple question hung between two men like a sharp knife.
Rogers stayed silent, however deep inside in his soul he was fighting with himself. He just wanted to get up, walk to Tony and just punch him straight in the face.
But…

It was impossible to him to do it. Because he felt something to that guy. He didn’t want to admit it even in front of himself, but it was a true.
He fell for Tony long time ago. When there was good. Notwithstanding, he never found a courage to tell his friend about that feeling…

Suddenly something, a little cheeky voice, which was coming from back of Steve’s head, said: “Do it now or you’ll lose him, you fucking coward!”

Steve cleared his throat and still trying to stay calm, he got up and walked to Tony. He placed his large palm at Stark’s shoulder before he spoke.
“Okay. You won. Maybe it’s exactly like you said it. But, please..” Steve’s voice got weaker immediately when Tony turned his face to him. Only one look into those beautiful hazel eyes of Tony made Captain vulnerable.

The awkward silence prevailing between them has been interrupted by Stark’s strong voice.
“Finally, Steve. What happend, that you finally understood it?”

But Steve wasn’t definelty listening to Tony’s words.
He found a courage to take Tony’s face in his palms, to pull black-haired man closer and finally to kiss his friend.

Steve felt that Stark was more than surprised by that action, Tony’s muscles stiffened in a second.
But he didn’t push Steve away. No. He did it not.

After a few seconds Stark broke the kiss to look deeply into Rogers’ blue eyes.
“Fuck, Steve… what the fuck..”
Captain let out a quiet whimper.
“I had to. I just.. I can’t explain that. It just happend. I think I fell for you. Months ago. Just… I just couldn’t tell you earlier.”

Steve was the most scared of a rejection. But at the moment blonde man was happy that finally he managed to tell Tony the truth about hia feelings.

Stark cleared his throat and with pale face took a little step back.
“Steve.. for fuck’s sake.. what I’m supposed to do now.. what are you expecting from me? It’s… I need time to think of it..”
Captain’s eyes sparkled with kind of a hope.
“Just promise me… that even if… if you won’t feel the same.. that we’ll stay friends. I just can’t think of a day when you’ll go away..” Steve’s voice shivered a bit as he was speaking.
Tony rubbed his chin, nodding slowly.
“Okay. That I can guarantee you for sure.”

Steve smiled gently, then he quickly left Stark’s office, leaving Tony with an vortex of a thoughts.

Author:

Ailo

Gif: X